my epiphany

so just to warn you future readers, this post gets kinda personal. so don't delve in unless you want to.

so i kinda had a life-changing realization today in church. I'm really not sure what brought it on, besides God Himself. I just realized that for a long time now I haven't been letting God control my life and really wasn't on the right page with him relationship-wise. Well I think I already knew that, so maybe I more realized that I needed to change this and make it right. Then I got to thinkin about it, and realized how many things God used to make me realize this. I can't list them all.. Some of it was seeing some of my friends who really love God and really wanted to do what He wanted. the book Blue Like Jazz helped me see a lot of things in a different light. I think I've also realized, especially in these past months, how sinful man is. Not just sinful, but selfish and stupid and evil and if left to his own devices, will just screw things up. I saw this in my own life. I've become overly selfish, bitter, moody and even a little depressed in the past months. This is what happens when you don't let God work in your life. but when I think about all of it, it just really amazes me how all the circumstances just became so perfect for CHANGE. and then that makes me think how He orchestrated that in my life, he was using those to open my eyes! gah. it just gets me all emotional thinking about it. I guess the thing that really was the last trigger and the straw that broke the camels back was the issue of going on this missions trip to Ecuador with my church. At first, I just wrote it off as another youth group trip I wouldn't be going on. My mom encouraged me to think and pray about it though, and one of my friends did as well since she was going. Well I really got thinkin about it this morning, and heard the Pattons speak and Pastor Whipple speaking about missions, and it was during this that I had my epiphany.

I've actually gotta go because I have to leave soon to go to small group. That's one of the things I need to change. Getting more involved in church. that and so much more.... I will probably finish this post later when I have more time so I can explain more and even explain why I wanted to write it, but please just be praying for me.

It's amazing how He works. and can forgive soo much.